Back to the Future

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Five years ago, I went silent.

I just didn’t know what to say anymore.

Don’t get me wrong – I hadn’t taken a vow of silence nor had I given up communicating altogether. But rather I didn’t have it in me to blog or journal or do anything that required pushing information out there into the world – either publicly or privately.

Looking back I think I also gave up being real and honest with myself anymore.

I just didn’t feel like I had it in me.

Part of it was starting a new chapter. I was in a relationship for the first time in my life and I was living in the moment of all the beauty and adventure that followed.

I had moved back to Australia after two years overseas and now found myself having to create community and find purpose from scratch.

I was unemployed. Then I found a new job. Then I was studying.

I was experiencing life and I was taking it all in.
I was being fed information and emotions from all around me.
But somewhere in all that – I just wasn’t sure what was me and what wasn’t anymore.

As someone who empathises strongly and who has a tendency to people-please, it can be an uphill battle identifying what’s me – thoughts/feelings/likes/dislikes/pet peeves/these-are-my-interests me – from a me that desires to respond to the world in a manner that is least disruptive and inconvenient.

And with all of that I went silent.

Like a bear preparing for hibernation, a part of me retreated and went quiet.
Instead of fighting through winter’s harsh trials, I let my soul fall asleep.
And with that, I slowly disappeared.

Five years later and I find myself almost back where I started. My wife and I are now back overseas – starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter set in a familiar place with a familiar cast but a new chapter nonetheless.

I’m ready to take a deep breath and find my voice again because silence is soul-crushing.

In a world that feels louder than ever before,
I have often questioned why bother adding to it.

I realise now that we do not speak as humans simply because we can or we must.

We speak because it is our connection to those around us.

In a way, I am now back where I started and this time ready to do things differently.

I am ready to listen with my heart – and I am ready to speak from my soul.

What about you friend?

Image: Vector Illustration by www.vecteezy.com

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